How Our Self-Esteem Affects Our Relationships

Have you ever wished you had higher self-esteem?

Self-esteem is the result of the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that we have about how likable and capable we are. Self-esteem fluctuates from time to time depending on how life is going. However, when self-defeating thoughts, insecurities, and dissatisfaction are present most of the time, low self-esteem is exhibited. Research has found a strong linkage between self-esteem and the quality of relationships including those with friends, family, significant others, and colleagues.

Low Self-Esteem Affects your Social Life

In the workplace, low self-esteem can discourage an employee from sharing their ideas, which can cause them to miss out on opportunities to showcase their talents, and possibly, valuable creative ideas for their company. Due to the inner doubts that low self-esteem individuals have, they are more likely to do independent work and not foster synergistic relationships with colleagues. This can therefore lead to their colleagues feeling as if they are being given the cold shoulder for no apparent reason and in turn shun them as a response. Similarly, when it comes to the relationships that low self-esteem individuals have with their loved ones, they may fear that they are inconveniencing or burdening them whenever they ask for help. This results in a recurring theme of low self-esteem individuals not having their needs fulfilled, as they continually are too afraid to ask for things that they require.

Low Self-Esteem Affects your Significant Other

Low self-esteem can also increase the individual’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity toward their significant other. People with low self-esteem often perceive themselves as not deserving of their partner and likely hold the belief that their relationship is due to luck and not an actual loving connection. On the flip side, people with low self-esteem can often project their insecurities onto their partner, causing them to act out in aggression toward them. Therefore, it is a common occurrence for low self-esteem individuals to think that their partner may be cheating on them or fear that they will leave the relationship at any given moment.  This puts considerable pressure on their significant other and leaves them feeling that they are being wrongfully accused and blamed for actions that did not transpire.

While low self-esteem affects our relationships in a multitude of facets, fear not! There are practical ways you can practice increasing your level of self-esteem to reduce the negative impact on your relationships.

What can be Done?

The first step to increasing your self-esteem is to identify any negative beliefs you have about yourself. Whenever you are in different environments (home, school, the gym, work), try to notice when you are thinking negatively about yourself and what exactly those thoughts constitute. You might find yourself being around your colleagues and thinking, “I don’t offer any unique skills” or thinking, “I’m not interesting enough” when around your significant other. Whatever the case, if you can’t identify those negative beliefs, then how can you expect to combat them?

Once these beliefs have been identified, you can start to acquire evidence that contradicts them. Try to write down all the bad thoughts you have about yourself and the positive evidence that argues against them. For instance, to challenge the “I’m not interesting enough” belief, you can write down times that you planned a great date with your partner, the hobbies that you take part in, or even your talents. It’s important to keep looking back at this list whenever you need a reminder that the negative beliefs you have about yourself are simply not true.

Remember that Nobody is Perfect and Accept that you can Make Mistakes

Low self-esteem individuals are usually overly critical of themselves. This means that they leave little room for trying to accept that they are not perfect. The large amounts of constant self-criticism that people with low self-esteem exhibit can lead to persistent feelings of sadness, anxiousness, anger, and depression, which also heavily affect relationships and social functioning. Therefore, it is important to stop this self-criticism and learn to let go of not being the best at something. Focus on learning to forgive yourself in the moment whenever critical thoughts cloud your head. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s imperative to know that mistakes are not permanent reflections of who you are as a person. These are simply moments that will pass. Whenever you think hyper critically, talk to yourself with acceptance. For example, “Even though I made a mistake or performed poorly, that doesn’t make me a bad person, I’m simply human.”

Take on Challenges and Abandon the Victim Mentality

People with low self-esteem often turn tail and run away from challenges or tough situations, because they already expect to do badly at them. This acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy, as their belief about a future challenge ending badly leads them to act in a way that brings about their expected outcome. One way to increase your self-esteem can actually be to not back down and take a challenge head-on. Even if you don’t succeed, just giving it an honest try can be rewarding enough and show you that you could overcome your fear. This will make you less prone to run away from challenges and less likely to run away from building your relationships with others.

Anyone can increase their self-esteem and feel happier by practicing new ways of thinking, acting, and reacting. Here are 6 tips to increase your self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Being present, improving what you can and accepting what you can’t change, making yourself responsible for your actions, and not embracing the victim mentality. Remember that you are no less or inferior to anyone. You are enough. You deserve to be loved and included like everyone else.

Edited by Dr. Silvina Galperin, C. Psych.

References

Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2016). Self-esteem and the quality of romantic relationships. European Psychologist, 21(4), 274–283. https://doi.org/10.1027/1016-9040/a000259

Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of personality and social psychology, 119(6), 1459–1477. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265

Richter, J., & Finn, C. (2021). Transactions between self-esteem and perceived conflict in romantic relationships: A 5-year longitudinal study. PloS one, 16(4), e0248620. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0248620